1. I've come to realize that, my ex:
apparently doesn't love me as much as I had hoped, and that my future is gone forever.

2. I've come to realize that, I talk:
far too much about my dreams.

3. I've come to realize that, I love:
only one thing and absolutely nothing else, everything has become a wasteful chore.

4. I've come to realize that, I have:
far too many troubles on my mind and not enough moments of happiness to erase them.

5. I've come to realize that, I lost:
everything the minute she stopped loving me.

6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when:
I can't predict the future.

8. I've come to realize that, Marriage:
is a fucking joke.

9. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking:
that I'm not good enough.

10. I've come to realize that, I'll always be:
garbage.

11. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on:
nobody.

12. I've come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
5 minutes ago.

13. I've come to realize that, my cell phone:
is really just a burden.

14. I've come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
I wish I hadn't.

15. I've come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night I:
lay awake for hours staring across my empty bed wishing this would've never happened.

16. I've come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
the someone I lost, and will probably never get back.

17. I've come to realize that, babies are:
not worth the effort.

18. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace:
just enough to fuck up my life further.

19. I've come to realize that, Today I:
wasted 8 hours of my life doing nothing.

20. I've come to realize that, Tonight I will:
do the same thing I've done for roughly the past week, be miserable.

21. I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will:
be working on my birthday, happy-fucking-birthday to me.

22. I've come to realize that, I really want to:
just die and start all over.

So, FWA is around the corner and my mate is doing badge preorders, it's late and I gotta be up in 4 hours, so there's more info HERE --> http://www.furaffinity.net/user/dreamesque and HERE -> http://dreamesque.deviantart.com/ actually it's the same info about the commission/badges, but there's different examples of her art there, she's also the one that's drawn MOST of my userpics, including the one on this post. :) So please, hit her up if you want a nice looking, well made badge! :)

Not much to say till tomorrow when i finally get the internet at my apartment, so here's just some wips of my current fursuit :)

first is part of the armor i'm working on, got a pair of these nearly done, the shoulder pauldrons are giving me hell though...



then here's the legs before being filled, the fit the back of my legs just as you see, and all the padding is going in the front/sides of the hips and the haunches, so that's my real booty :P..



Here's roughly how much polyfill they take right now...that's over 3 large bags...yea they need to be a lil smaller..but that's the pic after this...



And here's the ghettobooty they appear to have from the front, they aren't fitted quite yet, as i made the pattern/legs larger than needed since it's easier to make something smaller, than larger.. this is also quick stuffed with the polyfill in the previous picture, the real thing will have shaped 'pillows' underneath so it will look a lil more naturally muscled and be much easier to wear, I'm also wearing one of the gauntlets shown above with one of the first handpaws I made to show they won't look as huge with a suit, the fursuit arm is from a partial. I did a mix-match so I could look at the pics and see what needed to be done...



and lastly, this is a side shot, again, with a tail, arm, and paw that isn't part of this suit, but used just for reference, the look PERFECT from the side, but I gotta make them a lil smaller because I don't like feeling like a wide-load trying to get through doors...the shoulder pauldrons will balance it out a little, but they may not get done in time...



and although i look to be leaning back, i'm not, it's just the shape of the legs and how i'm holding my shoulders... but anyway, C&C are welcome! so lemme hear it! :)

Let me start this by saying I am NOT an atheist, at least not anymore, years ago, in high school, I was, and I'm not really ashamed to admit that, but I learned many things, about myself and about religion(the biggest thing was that being faithless makes you feel hopeless more often than not), and while I'm still not really one that's much for religion, I at least have a faith in something more than myself, and no manner of church or holy men or women will convinced me that my soul is damned unless I go to organized masses regularly.


When I first saw the ads for this film, it looks cool, then I checked out the books from the library, and read through them, and while I can kind of understand the reason for the huge amounts of criticism and paranoia from the catholics and christians about this debasing their faith, I don't understand why they're worried if they're good enough people with strong enough faith in God and themselves to teach their own children what is right and good. Another thing to consider, weren't many of these people possibly the ones that protested the Harry Potter series for it's message of magic and witchcraft, or the ones that praised a movie about the death of Jesus Christ without thinking that it could cause some, specifically children, to blame the Jews for the gruesome death of their savior?


Lastly, on that similar note, do we not live in a country founded on FREEDOM? Freedom of speech, freedom of choice, freedom of RELIGION, to try to knock down a movie that is not of your faith and that in your eyes is debasing it is violating 2 of those, so please stop whining and exercise the freedom of choice for yourself and leave the rest of us alone.

This was not written in support of the film, of atheism or religion, but simply just venting on a stupid topic because I felt like expressing my freedom.


"It doesn't matter to me whether people believe in God or not. What I do care about is whether people are cruel or whether they're kind, whether they act for democracy or for tyranny, whether they believe in open-minded inquiry or in shutting the freedom of thought and expression. Good things have been done in the name of religion and so have bad things; both good and bad things have been done with no religion at all. What I care about is the good, wherever it comes from." -Phillip Pullman

Hopefully in 2 more weeks i'll be in my apartment and not in the shitty situation I'm currently in, and I don't give a shit what ANYONE says, the quality of the car doesn't make it any more comfortable to sleep in than any of the others unless it's like something huge.

I also now know the meaning of hatred, i've never really felt full blown hatred before, my kind and caring demeanor keeping the darkness that dwells deep within me locked away. I don't like the feeling of hatred...which in me equals a remorseless urge to spread the blood of those that cause the feeling far and wide, to just phsically rend their bodies out of recognition. If I were any less of a rational, calculated, and cool headed person I would probably be sitting in a cellblock in a state prison solitary confinement wing at the time of this venting. It pains me to think that my beloved mate has even a shred of these horrendously nasty people in her, at least the good side of her family is strong enough to completely overshadow it.

Any way, enough of that. I'm at my dad's house for today and tomorrow, gonna work on some more fursuit stuff, and might actually work on a new fursuit alongside Trista(who's getting ANOTHER rename) but it'll be a full one. I'm also getting back into warhammer 40k since my car is too costly to modify much... I'll update on all of that later, however, since I am going to go out and get some food now, and continue to beat back the darkness so I can resume my normal somewhat happy and not miserably stressed life. See you later, all my friends.

SO! Here I am posting for the first time in ages due to a COMPLETE lack of net connection, practically busting my ass to get online...because I'm trying to find a place to live...and in order to do that in the time frame I was given, Caden is visiting my mate's grandparents for a while. It's gonna be tough, but it has to be done.

Now, on to more happy things, MFM!

3rd con, 2nd time at MFM, Had a blast as expected! My partial fursuit was finished by me and Dreamesque about 6pm on friday after getting to the hotel, and she isn't great, but was good enough to suit MOST of the con in, so it was great, and I don't want to ever go to a con again without being able to get suit time in..it's so much different than just wandering around with everyone else, and here's my chance to shout out to all of you that I met and hung out with, ESPECIALLY JASE! *HUSKYHUG!* well, until I have more time and/or life levels out, this is all I have for now!

Alright, for starters, the dog, he's fine, and I got the mess with the neighbor's dog straightened out(Read: neighbor lady that told me about the ordeal is a lil crazy..), turns out he had some kind of bacterial infection that was non-contagious, so..yay.. I also have pics later, under the cut...

Now then, I GOT A DECENT CAR!...

Before:


NOW:



( More... ) And that's all for now!

Alright, so not so much has really went on since I last posted, but here it is anyway. For starters, I'm still in knoxville, managing to exist. Caden is doing fairly well, he's eating better, still hyperactive, and still lovable, I'm just a little concerned because the next-door neighbors dog 'apparently' caught some form of airborne sickness and is in the animal e.r., which they blame on me/him, so it worries me that they might retaliate against him..or that he might catch whatever that dog had...

On a lighter note, I've finalized the purchase agreement for a 1965 mustang notchback with a 289 v8 that needs lots of restoration, but runs and drives, the purchase price: $2000


FURSUIT UPDATES!

Well, I don't know if I've mentioned anywhere, but my Uriko suit is on hold, since I wanted to get in some practice with a partial, and all I can really say is she's not a particular breed, though closely doberman, kinda dark green, and hopefully gonna be bright enough to guide a plane to a runway... :)

Well, we took Caden to PetSmart today to get groomed, and he didn't seem to be a big problem, but they discovered that he has some form of skin problem( very likely mange :( ), so after I get paid this week, I'm gonna try to get him to a vet this weekend to get meds for that...

Also after his bath, he smelled worse because he's been skunked at some point in time..so we're gonna have to get shampoo for that and give him another bath...had him less than 2 days and already spent tons on him..he's gonna be so spoiled! He's also been loved everywhere he's went, he was like a show-stopper in the store, and the next-door neighbors love him too..it's kinda cool! :)

This is quite accurate, not exact, but good. So all my friends can get to know me better! :)

Well,

My mate and I are getting a new addition next week, he's around 1 year old, a Husky-mix(not sure what he's mixed with, probably malamute since he's FLUFFY, but he's really sweet(getting him from a shelter) and will probably turn out to be a fine friend. :D

Well, Friday evening I went back out to Byrdstown to kinda hang out and because I had stuff I had to get done Saturday morning. On the way I stopped by Wal-Mart to browse since I had a LITTLE extra money to spend, and finally found some suitable pattern/rough suit material(not muslin, but VERY close) in this obnoxious yellow/black color, it was $2/yard, I bought 5 yards, then a soda and some oil for my old-ass car and was on my way. I got in with enough time and energy unload what I needed to unload and talk to my mate for a bit then go to sleep. I woke up exceptionally early on Saturday (8am) and went out to the town part of the place I grew up in, and got everything done MUCH faster than I expected, so I got home and started to work on my stuff.

So I started with my legs, since I knew that'd take the most time..
I didn't bother showing steps, it was really just done with tutorials I found online...I can post up directions on how I did this later if anyone needs them, but I haven't actually pinned it all together to make sure it's RIGHT, but it appears that it'll work.


( Cutting isn't just for emo-kids. )

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

Ok, so yesterday was my 2nd day at the zoo(thursday was first) and OMG is it hard work, I'm so sore allll over still, however, the intensive labor will help me lose some fat hopefully, I just don't think it'll be that fun of a job..I just hope the animals appreciate the effort I'm putting forth dammit...other than that, it's been smooth..ish...

Last night my mate and I went to see WILD HOGS(we were gonna see grindhouse, but were too late), it's HILARIOUS! I've never laughed so much in a movie theater in my life, the cast does a wonderful job, it's not really that deep of a movie, but is a good stress reliever for sure. Basically it's 4 middle aged guys that have all pretty much become fed up with what they've become and decide to pack up some stuff, jump on their bikes, and take an old-school coast to coast road trip. Along the way they make some enemies, and some friends, naturally, with some awkward moments tossed in for good measure. I highly recommend this to anyone that's bored or stressed out and looking for some good old-fashioned fun, and be sure to stay for the beginning of the credits, it's got some extra stuff thrown in(not bloopers). So to sum it up, it was well worth the $8 to see at 11 on Friday night. :)

WELL! WHAT A WONDERFUL WEEK SO FAR! I've been fairly cheerful, but today KILLED IT!


One day last week I got pulled over, it was one of my first days really out in knoxville on my own, so I leave where I was putting in an application and begin to leave, I don't put on my shoulder belt(my car has separate belts), I pull out, and maybe a minute down the road(I'm moving slow, school zone) I see a cop on the side, the second I get past him, he pulls out behind me..I know he's got me. So he comes up to me, does the usual "you know why I pulled you over?" bit, and after I agree it's the seatbelt, he asks me why my plate is wrong(long story of otherwise bad luck that's still in resolution) and I tell him the truth. So, then he asks me for my license, I reach into my pocket...and that's when I realize it's UNDER my seat where I can't really reach to get it without being suspicious...great...so the tally for this stop is a seatbelt fine, improper tag fine, and license not in possession fine(better than him taking me to jail for not having a license at least..). Total for all of this: likely $360

The day after that, a cop gets behind me on my way back to the interstate to get home...I see blue lights...fuck. He pulls me over, and is a great guy, tells me that he really pulled me over because my car looked like one they have an APB out on, but my tag doesn't match, and that it's wrong... but I give him the full story of WHY(just like I did the first cop before)and my license and insurance paper, and he says it's cool and to just get it fixed asap, and let me go. PHEW...

A few days pass, and yesterday I started bringing stuff to Knoxville, I parked my car at my mate's college, in a spot I tend to park(even if it is student parking, the campus cops know me), I come out of her dorm to head to where I'm currently staying...and I see a tag on the window...PARKING FINE: $30...Jeebus talk about a shock, they've never done that and I've been in that spot at least every other weekend for like a year. I managed to catch up with the campus security officer that issued it, however, and it was resolved without me paying a fine I can't currently afford.

Today..actually about 3 hours ago, to be precise, I leave my mate's dorm to head back here after her taking me to get a pair of pants for work tomorrow, I drive past a cop sitting on the side, he pulls out behind me...uh-oh..and I was right..the lights go on. He pulls me over, and starts the sentence after "You know why I pulled you over?" (to which the answer was "Truthfully, no." with "uuuhhh...well you're right headlights dim..and your tag..."..... RIIIIGGHHHHTTT, like he had nothing better to do than worry about a car with a dim light, on a road that has more crashes than any in this immediate area other than I-40 at rush hour, whatever(In fact after he was done, a car did a Dukes of Hazzard vault over the median for no particular reason and nearly landed in the opposing lanes..he had to drive 5 feet to check out that car). Well, he proceeded to ask me for my license, no big deal, and then it came to the tag issue AGAIN, yep, fined for that. Then proceeded to ticket me for proof of insurance because I didn't have the actual proof card, just the receipt from adding the car to the policy all of 2 days before hand! Total here..likely $250...Wonderful, just wonderful.

I don't really know what I'm gonna do if these guys keep this shit up...or what i'm gonna do if I can't get some of this stuff written off with proper proof... Excitement about this move is quickly wearing thin...

Start at the Zoo tomorrow, not so sure if I'm as enthused about that as I was yesterday..

I'm excited about tomorrow, the Zoo job is more labor intensive than I want to do being Exhibit Design and CONSTRUCTION, but I'm sure I'll manage, it'll be 7am-4pm M-thru-F, $7.50/hr starting pay. Then I've got to work with Wal-Mart on scheduling.. I'm hoping like 4 hours every evening, every other day, then maybe all day on sundays..starting pay $7.80/hr with an extra $1/hr on Sundays. If all goes as planned(which it probably wont, but i'm hopeful), I'll be making $928 every 2 weeks.

I'm also nearly broke until like, Monday, however after my moving experience to New York a few years back, in which I lived like a month on $100, I'm sure I can do 5 days on like $30!

At any rate, yea, that's the officially moving update so far.

P.S. Highspeed internet makes me happy!

Quit/Lost my job 2 weeks ago.

Moved to Knoxville yesterday.

Started at Wal-Mart yesterday.

Start at The Knoxville Zoo Thursday.

I'm excited.

More later.

Well, wonderful week so far, lost a job, and got a non-moving violation(actually 3 of them) for a $200-ish fine... at least I have an interview Thursday... *sigh* more about that later..

Ok for those of you who don't know what this is all about, here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "I too am an egomaniac."
2. I'll then respond by asking you up to five questions. You will answer them, because you like talking about yourself.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

To me from laurenchan

1- When did you first discover that you were furry?
Officially, in about 02-03... after having an argument with a friend who was furry, they mounted so much evidence to me that I actually was a furry(was previously just an anime-gamer person..I thought furries were EVIL..) that I just kinda went "Well...I guess I was wrong all this time.."...other than that I'd kinda been a furry since I was probably 9-10...

2- What difference has the furry fandom made in your life?
It's opened me up ALOT, and I've had so much of an easier time being myself and making friends.

3- How did you know that you were "different"? (You know what I mean.)
I didn't really KNOW for sure until I was 15-16 and saw 2 different therapists... before that I always had this strange feeling when I was realll young(5-6ish)..and then at 13 saw something on the lovely Discovery Channel about it and the stories they told was kind of "Hey..that sounds JUST like me..." things...thus I pushed for the following years to see a therapist to be sure I wasn't just being crazy.

4- Do you have any dirty little secrets you'd like to tell the world?
Erk...hmm..not really tell the world..no..and you know 99% of them anyway... I guess the only dirty little secret I have that you really don't know about is that I think paws are sexy... ^__^;

5- When you think of me, what comes to mind?
and when I think of you, well, there's really not much to think about, I just think of being snuggled up with and hearing you laugh and it instantly makes my day brighter.

DAMMIT... I hate my job sometimes...like today..a 3 hour day because we RAN OUT OF THINGS TO DO FOR ONE DAY...tomorrow is gonna be piled up and kick my ass...or I MAY not have to work..then on Friday..or Monday, have alot of work piled up...this is what happens when your boss doesn't train you to do stuff that only he can currently do... *SIGH*

Also, a reason I hate this shithole of a small town I'm currently in..I have insurance due on friday..I planned to use my half day off to get to the place and pay it..but guess what..it's Wenesday..they close at 11am on Wensday..so does 2/3rds of this goddamned place(gas stations,a couple of restaurants a grocery store, a Family Dollar, and a Dollar General are all that's really open past noon) what a fucking joke...I guess they think church on Wenesday night requires 7 hours of preparation...again...what a fucking joke.

In other news, I actually agreed with someone on the radio today, a local DJ talking about the boy that got lost for 4 days... he said it best "I think the kid's just FLAT OUT STUPID AND SO ARE THE PARENTS!", it's about damn time someone on the radio agreed with me, hah!

and finally for any of you electro-industrial-techno types, you should check out Celldweller(www.myspace.com/celldweller), more specifically the remix contest he has going on right now(Especially if you like Remixing!): http://www.remix.celldweller.com they're going by rounds, each round a different song, so check them both/all(since I'm not sure how many rounds there are gonna be).